The biggest horror in life is that there is nothing to be afraid of. The biggest horror is that we are responsible for the biggest horror. Imagine that there is absolutely nothing wrong, no reason for the worries, the weakness or the weight gain. Imagine that you are absolutely OK. The disease for your symptoms is simply existence, and everyone that you know is plagued with it. Take a deep breath. I know its a devastating diagnosis. Ive got it too. We go to great lengths to avoid the sickness. We adopt addictions and children, we devise compulsions and careers all in the attempt to self medicate. Life for the most part is an attempt to prolong the moments when we are not alone with our utter uselessness. I write, clean my house, and run. I work, get good grades and maintain fleeting friendships. The goal is not to be grate, the goal is just to choose a goal with a hum so loud it drowns out the terrible silence. But when we curl up into the cold sheets of our consciences, and the howling screaming world is gone there is nothing wrong or extraordinary about anything. There is just you, the darkness, and the games you create for you and the darkness to play. This is what I think Immanuel Kant meant when he said, "Only the decent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness." Of course he did say this when roads were much more difficult to pave, and so far fewer of them were. Imagine the road to self (to playing nice with the darkness) as a cobble stone collective. Each chunk of reason embedded by the hand of experience into the mortar of your life. It takes years to make a mile, a lot of work and heartbreaks, a lot of food and rent, a lot of sex and stone cutting. There is nothing wrong working hard but it doesnt mean anything in the end, or in the dark of the asphalt colored room that glairs its tarmac eyes into you at 2:30am. Now, you can make up some sickness to distract you from this hell, but I'm trying real hard scare the shit out of the dark.

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